The Hero and the Idiot...

So I went to Human Resources and to my boss today and told them that I was raising funds for Congo. I also sent the website link to my design teams. Its hilarious in a way. I always do this to myself. I put myself out there in front of everyone and really jack up the pressure to perform. If I fail, I fail in front of everyone (like the idiot). If I succeed???... Am I the hero then? I don't know. Maybe in some ways. I'm pretty much going "no guts no glory" on this and there is a very real possibility that I could crash and burn. What if I get hurt or sick or something? I always get self-conscious too. The real torture is that whenever I begin to talk to anyone about it the response usually has that, "well what did you expect?" kind of tone. This all amounts to a bunch of psycho-dribble which I can excel at. Which brings me full circle... And I will quote Rod from my Facebook page... "Run it Dan! Just run it!" Off to bed now.

My Conundrum of a Cause...

I'm finding myself hesitant to actually come out and tell people the exact nature of what it is I'm running for. I watch the video about Lisa Shannon and Generose every so often (http://video.nytimes.com/video/2010/02/03/opinion/1247466865007/an-american-in-congo.html). It can be hard to watch. I've seen people turn away when watching it. Its a fascinating phenomenon if you really think about it. And I'm not even coming from a "bleeding heart - save the children" place. I'm talking about what is just plain human. The shock and the horror are too much to digest at first. So we turn away which in the end results in a decision (by default) not to do anything to help. Clearly we don't approve of what we see, yet we do nothing. No one with any kind of a decent upbringing (or even not-so-decent for that matter) can begin to fathom what makes people behave the way these "soldiers" do. It is such a contrast to the way I comprehend human existence. I'm human. I've been enraged. I've hated people. I've felt contempt for women. I've experienced all kinds of different "inappropriate" and unpleasant emotions. I would go so far to say that this is normal. Maybe we don't always discuss these feelings but I don't think its at all out of line to say that most, if not all of us have had them... But there is nothing I can even begin to comprehend that would make someone behave this way. Putting aside the obvious victims (the women and children)... What happened to the perpetrators? They learn to detach and treat their victims like objects. It takes some courage not to turn away from the images that have come from Congo. And once you don't turn away you realize that you have no choice but to act. That is scary and can mess up your idea of who you are. I fully understand Lisa Shannon's reasoning behind leaving her life in the states and going to Congo to help. Maybe it is beyond courageous. But maybe its just an example of someone who had the courage not to turn away and to simply make an attempt to improve the world that she observes. I saw a piece on her yesterday that said she's raised over $700,000. Amazing and inspirational. I don't think we should all pack up and leave for Congo. But I do think we should make some kind of effort to facilitate change.

Running Through It

Did not want to get up and run this morning but I did it anyway. I ran 6. I only ran 3.5 yesterday even though I was supposed to run 9 so I'm making that up today. I am supposed to do 5 today but will run 10.5. I'm really happy that 50 miles to Congo raised $700 last week. It really makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. And I know people are only kidding around when they say I'm nuts... They're not totally out of line. It IS nutty,what I'm doing. But yesterday a colleague told me she thought what I was doing was great. It made me happy. That's what its about. At the end of it all be strong, do your best and try to make something good out of what you're dealt. As for all the rest, just 'run through it'. That's my moto lately. Off to get ready for work. Will run 4.5 at lunch.

I really have to remind myself that what I'm doing is fundamentally positive. I feel self conscious because I am pushing this out to everyone I know with this blog and the website and everything... like I'm being self-indulgent. I know that it is to a degree and that people could, and probably will perceive it this way. Also the "you're crazy" part kind of bugs me. Maybe its because people have been telling me I'm crazy my whole life. The truth is there is something that really attracts me to this kind of a challenge. When I first heard about ultra-marathons I never thought in a million years that I would actually even begin to attempt one. I reacted to the idea of running so far as super human. And now I know its very attainable (at least I know that running 44 miles in 2 days is attainable to me). So I guess with all of the head-chatter that's going on inside me I've discovered a new irony... Trying to be super-human is a very human thing to do. And I have yet to become "superman". I'm still carrying around all of the hang-ups that I had before. Funny thing is that I could have told you that this would have been the case before I even started. So that begs the question, "why even make the attempt?" And I think the answer is very simple but not totally mind blowing. Its just making me a little bit better at being me.

My 2 yr old daughter whacked her head today and there was blood everywhere. We're now thinking that we should have taken her to get stitches. 20/20 hindsight... I took a nap with her and then left her to run 18 miles. I felt guilty. The run was ok but I wasn't in a good mood. It took about 3 hours and 20 minutes. That was 44 miles in 2 days. Another personal best but I am starting to feel like "that nutty guy who has to go running all the time."

Ran 11 miles this morning. Left the house at about 10 to 6:00. I had to be back at 8:00 so Liz could go and teach her spinning class. I will now set out to run another 15 miles. The good news is that the injury to my right leg felt like it disappeared and I was running at a bit of a quicker pace (avg about 9:50 per mile). I will consciously run the 15 slower because its going to involve lots of hills. People call me crazy for doing this and I know its "off the cuff" when they do, but sometimes when I'm in a tough spot I start thinking about this and it gets me down. I knew getting into this training that I would be dealing with my own negativity and when I start becoming negative I can feed off of anything. I just keep running through this stuff though, and that's really all it takes to make it. Its one of those obvious huge life lessons that is in everyone's face that we just ignore because its easier to. But man its so much better to persevere!

So its Friday and I’m exhausted. I really need to make an effort to eat and sleep better. My legs need to heal in the down time and I’m now at a level of running where there’s not much time for them to do it. This week has been especially hectic because I had to work late every night. I was finishing the production of the 5 videos for the launch of our corporate web site… aggravating at times… I’ve definitely been wrapped up in my own head this week and I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with Liz and the kids. I don’t like this. Tomorrow I want to run 26 miles and then on Sunday another 18. That’s 44 miles on the weekend. I did 42 miles two weeks ago so I don’t know why it feels so daunting. I think it’s the fact that 26 miles is the length of a marathon and I have yet to run that distance in under 5 and a half hours. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that these distances are intimidating.